top of page
Search

Do you and your partner keep having the same argument over and over?

Writer: Clare Pemberton
Clare Pemberton
Sep 5
4 min read

Every couple is made up of two individuals, each carrying their own story, their own culture, values, and beliefs that shape how they show up in the world. One person's reality is just as valid as the other's. Learning to understand and manage those differences well is where the real magic of partnership lives!


Almost every couple I work with says some version of the same thing in our first session: "We go in circles about X, and just can't find a solution". If that is you, know this is one of the most common situations that brings couples into therapy, and it is fixable.


It Is Never Really About the Dishes

When couples describe their recurring argument, it often sounds small on the surface, such as one partner forgot to book the flights when they said they would, the other didn't keep a promise, or they just don't feel understood. The actual argument is over a feeling of not being prioritised, not being heard, or not feeling safe to bring something up at all. Once a couple has had the same underlying conflict enough times, it stops needing new material and any small trigger can set it off, because the pattern itself has become the thing that repeats, not the original issue.


What Research Shows about Conflict

I use the Gottman Method as the structural backbone of my couples work, drawing on decades of research John and Julie Gottman conducted by observing real couples in conflict. It's a method built from many frameworks, and one of the best known is what they called the Four Horsemen, four communication patterns that show up in relationships heading toward gridlock: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt in particular is the most corrosive of the four. In my experience, guiding couples in becoming aware of these patterns helps them understand their individual conflict styles, and that awareness alone is the easiest place to start making change.


The Gottmans also researched repair after conflict. They found that couples who showed high levels of negative patterns as newlyweds, but who also made and received effective repair attempts during conflict, were still in stable, happy marriages six years later at a rate of 84%. This means that a lack of repair is more problematic than the conflict itself.


Disrupting the Cycle Driving the Fight

This is where I bring in attachment-focused work alongside the Gottman structure, because the fight itself is often the visible surface of a much older pattern. One of the most well documented dynamics in couples research is the pursue-withdraw cycle. One partner moves toward conflict, pushing for a conversation, reassurance, or resolution. The other partner moves away from it, going quiet, changing the subject, or leaving the room. Neither person is doing this on purpose to hurt the other. Both are protecting the same underlying need, to feel safe and connected, using opposite strategies.


If you are the partner who goes quiet, you might notice you don't feel calm on the inside. Partners who appear shut down or emotionally flat during conflict are likely in a state of physiological flooding, heart rates above 90 to 100 beats per minute, meaning their nervous system has moved into fight or flight response. This is why I approach couples work with regulation and co-regulation training as well. When someone's nervous system is flooded, no amount of better wording is going to land. Regulating the nervous system has to happen before a conversation can be productive.


Try This Before Your Next Fight

If you notice your heart rate rising, your jaw tightening, or the urge to either push harder or shut down completely, this is a signal to pause. Agree in advance with your partner on a simple phrase either of you can use to call a break, something as plain as "I need twenty minutes." The pause only works if you actually come back to the conversation once you have settled, rather than letting it be swept under the carpet. This single habit, pausing before flooding takes over and returning once you are both regulated, is one of the most effective, low effort changes I see couples make.


Your Conflict Pattern Can Change

None of it means something is fundamentally wrong with your relationship. Recognising your triggers, behavioural patterns, and emotional manifestations will help you and your partner address the actual issue. Awareness is always the first step to behavioural change, and with that awareness you can start breaking patterns, adjusting behaviours, and employing new strategies to not only modify your conflict style, but repair style too.


If you would like support working through this together, I would love to hear from you. You are warmly invited to book a 15-minute discovery call to talk about what this could look like for you both.



Warmly,

Clare


Clare Pemberton is a registered psychotherapist and 400-hour trained breathwork facilitator based in Hong Kong, integrating psychotherapy and breathwork for individuals, couples, and organisations.


Sources


 
 
 

Comments

Commenting on this post isn't available anymore. Contact the site owner for more info.
bottom of page